January 19, 2021
This made me so SAD
(literal tears flowing down my cheeks),
then it made me a bit MAD,
frustrated and angry,
yet then I realized, in this present moment, I can choose to be GLAD!
This photo is from a card given to me by my late husband, Mark. I found it today, while cleaning out some drawers that I haven't opened in years. It hit me like a ton of bricks. As I read it, I just started to weep. Thinking about his written words, basically his pleading for me to relax and not be so serious about everything….bills, life, kids, relationship shit, etc. Back in the day, I thought it all had to be a certain way. I was trying so hard at life, I was not able to have much fun or feel much joy. If you knew Mark, he was a kid at heart, loved a good laugh, was always joking around, doing silly things, trying to make people laugh. This is one of the many things I LOVED so much about him and of course, he helped to balance out my seriousness.
That is where I was at earlier in my life and in my marriage. I get so SAD, feeling like I missed out on so much JOY with him (although we did have a lot of joy in many ways). I get MAD at myself for not seeing it sooner, working on it sooner and not realizing what could've been possible. I feel bad that he left this physical earth so early, not having the opportunity to fully learn, grow and know what amazingness we could have created together. It hurts when I think about it but I need to let it hurt, feel the sadness, feel the madness and that is ok. I am OK. Then I can move forward into the GLAD part. Not glad for those things that happened, but very glad that there has been learning and growth from these past experiences. I now have a passion ignited within me to share this knowledge with others so that they too can LIVE more FULLY and have less need to be SAD and MAD, just more room for more GLAD!
Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE that we can experience all of these emotions and none of them are bad, good or otherwise, they just are. They are necessary for human expression at the most intimate, beautiful, soul-filled level. Without the breadth of these emotions we are gifted to experience, we tend to live numbed out, not feeling particularly good or bad. Our lives or energy feels stagnant, like we are simply existing and going through the motions without THRIVING the way I believe we are meant to be living!
When was the last time you SHOUTED FOR JOY at the top of your lungs while wildly waving your arms in the air, jumping up and down until something in your house fell off the shelf?
Or are you too serious for that?
Or do you like to be more in control yourself?
Or do you have too many responsibilities and stressors, you don’t have time for that?
Over the years and throughout my life, I actually had to practice laughing. No really! I took time to find things that would make me smile and make me laugh. I did not care for certain kinds of humor. There were times when Mark would be rolling on the floor thinking something was so hilarious and I would be stoic….nothing, hating it because I didn’t find the humor. WOW, I was so serious and kind of an old-stick-in-the-mud. I always thought, "what is wrong with me?" "Why am I like this". But there was nothing wrong with me, I just hadn't decided that playing and laughing were important, I thought all the other things were more important...boy, was I wrong about that and I'm GLAD I have learned more about what is important in this life. Yes, at times I'm SAD and MAD that I didn't learn and apply it earlier, but that time is gone, staying in these present moments is the only place I want to be!
My favorite show, at the time, became “Who’s Line is it Anyway” with Drew Carey! Watching it helped me to lighten up, enjoy myself, enjoy playfulness and laugh a lot! I had to practice letting that side of who I am out! Yes, I am playful, funny, silly and love to laugh. (hmm, that stills feel weird to say it in an “I” statement:-)) I hadn’t allowed that part of me out for so long and I wasn't THRIVING in my life the way I wanted to. Something had to be done and I am so GLAD I put in the practice. To this day, I still look up old episodes of that show and enjoy the smile it brings to my face and the laughs it brings to my belly!
I’m sure you can feel why I was SAD finding this card and you can probably sense why I am GLAD for the present moment. The MAD part can really fire me up yet it isn’t helpful for me to stay there for very long. Yes, when I think about my relationship and those early years of my life, I can get MAD that I didn’t enjoy it more or that I didn’t play as much as I would have liked to or that I do now. I can get MAD and wish I had been taught about some of these things earlier in life so that I could have applied them and began to fully THRIVE earlier. Those things didn’t happen so I can choose to be MAD, stay MAD or learn from it and move on. One of the ways I am choosing to move on is to share this type of information with others especially our younger generations!! They CAN THRIVE earlier, I see this everyday in my own kids! They are capable of learning from our mistakes when we take the time to actually teach them and talk to them about life in an honest and authentic way! And of course, they will need to make some of their own mistakes which is all part of the natural process of learning and growing up! This is all good too!
In conclusion, I want to inspire you to LAUGH more, PLAY more, SMILE more, DANCE more, BE SILLY more and live more fully so that you don’t have to look back one day and get SAD or MAD. Each day is a gift and each day we get to choose who we want to be, how we want to act and what deserves the majority of our attention and energy. Yes, it does take awareness and it does take practice, but ALL of it is available to ALL of us, ALL the time!
As always, feel free to share what is present for you regarding this topic and let's help each other learn, grow and THRIVE!